Pumpkin spice and everything nice – Tales of a basic bitch

Some of my most basic moments
Some of my most Basic moments

If you were late for work this morning because you had to stop and get a pumpkin spice latte at your local Starbucks drive-thru where the barista, who knows you by name, proceeded to compliment your oversized blanket scarf as you drove off listening to the latest Taylor Swift album, you might be a basic bitch…but guess what? THAT’S OK! I’m here to tell you that you should be proud to be basic, because if you don’t pin all of those DIY flower crown tutorials on Pinterest, than who the hell will?

I first realized that I myself was basic when everything I owned was breast cancer ribbon pink. Of course I’m a huge supporter of the cause, which is a plus, but to this day I’ll still only remove the snow from my car with a scrapper that dawns a pink handle or hydrate myself with H20 poured from a Pink Brita water filter. Us basic gals tend to get a bad rap in society for being dumb and unoriginal, but if we weren’t meant to like succulents, essential oil diffusers and Justin Bieber, than why did God make all of those things so awesome? My intelligence shouldn’t be in question for wanting to shine up my Hunters and throw on a sweater poncho to spend the afternoon taking cute photos for Instagram in a pumpkin patch, like, is that really such a bad thing? (And yes, I say “like”, that also doesn’t make me dumb).

The leaves are officially beginning to change, which means that basic bitches everywhere are about to lose their sweet hashtag loving minds at the arrival of the fall season (pumpkins and leaves and apples…oh my!) and I’m no exception. I already have my list of “fall shit” scheduled into my calendar which includes a visit to my local farmers market, pumpkin patch, apple orchard and cranberry bog. I’ll probably also throw in a fall colours hike for good measure, because there’s nothing that basic girls do better than pretend to like nature for the sake of “likes”. If you didn’t bring a selfie stick to the woods, did you really even go?

Come to think of it, being basic is really in my blood. Before the term basic even existed, I remember being a 10 year girl trekking through a graveyard at dusk with my mother to help her collect pine cones and bags of multicoloured leaves all for the sake of constructing the perfect autumn themed front porch decor. Every fall she would essentially lose her mind, one cinnamon stick boiling in a pot of water on the stove at a time. Since it was all I knew from a young age, I also went on to love the changing of the seasons and any excuse to put up a wreath that would send a message to all the other basic women in the neighbourhood that I was one of them. Mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the most basic bitch of them all? Martha-muthafucking-Stewart. The OG in the world of basic bitches. Everything we know, we learned from her. She’s been teaching us the ways of a “good thing” for years and nobody does basic better than Martha (I mean, just ask Snoop Dogg!).

Our love of the seasons don’t end with fall. In the warmer months of the year, you’ll usually find us beached on a giant flamingo pool float with a frosted glass of frosé in one hand and our cell phone in the other trying to make plans to meet up with friends later for some patio draaanks. Basic girls absolutely love a good patio drink. We’d probably drink gasoline on a patio if you served it to us in a sugar rimmed glass with a pink umbrella hanging off the side, we literally have no shame. (We also don’t really know what the word literally means). We tend to hibernate a bit more in cold, frigid temperatures (which in Canada, last about 8 months of the year), that is only until that ole sum-bitch Saint Nick comes to town! Christmas time brings out the next level basic in all of us (even those not so basic guys and gals). We go crazy for any time of year that involves spiked egg nog, the smell of pine trees and an excuse to send out a personalized greeting card with a photo of you and your cat on it (just me? Well, ok then…). We invented the “cute” ugly Christmas sweater, we Elf ourselves every year (because it’s still funny) and mastered the art of making Rudolph antlers out of pipe cleaners thanks to our many Christmas themed Pinterest projects. The holiday season wouldn’t be complete without listening to Mariah Carey’s, All I want for Christmas is you on repeat and if we don’t watch Love Actually at least twice before the arrival of the new year, we consider that a Yule tide failure.

Brunch. I mean, do I really have to expand on this? What could be more appealing to a basic girl than combining two of our most favourite things, alcohol and breakfast food. We’re also a huge fan of being able to sleep in on a Saturday and still be able to meet our girlfriends for eggs at noon and not have to settle for some greasy spoon, all-day-breakfast situation. Brunch is also a mega time saver, nobody wants to stop for lunch in the middle of a spending spree at Sephora, what a hassle! Cutting down to just two meals a day is not only great for our wallets, but it gives us the perfect excuse to drink champagne before 5pm. You’ll probably also notice that basic bitches only have two interpretations of an acceptable brunch outfit, last nights eyeliner, Lululemons and white Converse or a floor length floral maxi dress with a giant sun hat (probably still paired with white Converse). There is no in-between. Nobody in the basic bitch history books has ever worn jeans to brunch. Look that shit up.

I’m not sure when it was decided that the only colour vehicle we are allowed to drive, is white. Was there a general meeting and consensus that driving a white car was the universal bat symbol to warn the rest of the world to get out of our way? Ironically, our uniform car colour choice just reaffirms how white we actually are, especially since basic white girls all think we can throw down when a Drake song comes on (or in my case, Ludacris’, Southern Hospitality). A basic bitch won’t even consider driving a car that doesn’t have pearl in the paint, a bumper sticker that states the university she attended and a pink Hawaiian lei hanging from the rear view mirror. If we could find a way to make, “literally can’t even” fit on a novelty license plate, we’d slap one of those on there too.

As much as we love new trends, there is nothing we love more than making old ones new again. Gentleman, do me a favour right now and look over at your wife, girlfriend or any woman in the room that you suspect to be basic, does she have a scrunchie wrapped around her wrist? Thought so. She probably also has a playlist that includes at least ONE Ace of Base or Aqua song on it and will be the first person on Ticketmaster if N’sync ever decides to do a reunion tour. I will go on record though and say that there is one basic trend that I hope never makes a return, and that’s the Ugg boot. I still owned a pair of course, but I have to admit that I always found it ridiculous to essentially pay $200 every winter for snow slippers that got wrecked instantly if you actually had the nerve to wear them in the snow. We may be basic, but we’re not falling for that nonsense anymore! Basic bitches have surprisingly become a lot more economical in this day and age. Most of us share a Netflix account with at least 9 other people because let’s face it, living our “best life” ain’t cheap!

Besides Starbucks, there are many retail brands and commercial franchises that have become associated with basic bitch culture. Every one of us has found herself across the border rummaging through the aisles of Trader Joe’s stocking up on cookie butter that we end up eating straight out of the jar in our Victoria Secret sweats with “PINK” written across the ass while binge watching Gray’s Anatomy (you know you still have a pair of those sweats buried in the back of your closet, don’t lie). Sephora is an obvious one, I mention our love of overpriced eye palates, sheet masks and beauty blenders (that really aren’t even that great, but we’ve all dropped $30 on that thing!) quite often in my posts. If you want to see a basic girl lose her mind though, just bring her to a Bath and Body Works. We all have at least 6 foaming hands soaps on stand-by just ready and waiting to be put into rotation that we purchased during one of their famous “buy 2, get 25 free” sales, and don’t even get me started on the candles…3-wick containers of pure sandalwood joy. When I die, just spread my ashes evenly throughout the dollar bins at Target, because why wouldn’t I want to reside forever in a place that houses one-of-kind knick-knacks like pineapple themed party decor and pastel coloured Bluetooth speakers all under $5 dollars? I can already spend hours at Target so I think I could handle eternity.

While some of this may be relatable to you, and some of it may not, the point is, although a lot of us women have been labeled as basic which essentially is insinuating that we are unimaginative and derivative of our culture, it doesn’t make us any less aware (trust me, we see your eyebrows). We have become heavily persuaded by the influx of social media influencers who tend to be taking over our social network feeds at every turn, but succumbing to the propaganda on occasion (or more so) doesn’t make us complete thoughtless airheads. At the end of the day, we are all intelligent, educated and endearing women, feminists even, who make our own choices. We just sometimes enjoy the world around us to be pretty, entertaining and maybe even at times a little bit mindless. Being a woman is exhausting and comes with a lot of pressure, if some of us choose to unwind by scrolling through Pinterest for hours on end, sipping a PSL and planning our next photo shoot for Instagram, than so be it. Embracing our stereotypical girly qualities are just a celebration of our womanhood and since we don’t have Carrie Bradshaw to look up to anymore, we’re forced to follow each other like geese, all flocking together towards the nearest hot spot (like the opening of a new juice bar). For the record, not possessing any of these so-called basic qualities doesn’t make you any less “girly”. I’m sure the girls who geek out over science or rock out to death metal are just as womanly as the rest of us. Truthfully, they are probably just one spritz of dry shampoo away from being basic bitches too.

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